Dating: What's the Problem?

At a certain point in life, especially as women, the focus of many of our conversations with our friends will be about topics and issues related to relationships; romantic ones, familial ones, work related ones, and the list continues.  In my life, they are mainly romance related conversations and there’s one that always shows up in the room: Why can’t I find someone?... or some variation of that question.

After listening to both men and women talk about this issue, one of the things I find to be true is it’s rarely about the ability to “find” someone, it’s about where the person “looking”, is at in their personal development.  You may be looking for someone who possesses certain qualities that you find attractive, but do you ever think about if the qualities you possess are attractive to that person? 

We often tend to only think about what we want when looking for a partner, and rarely, if at all, think about what a person like that may be looking for in their potential partner.  Some of us spend lots of time pursuing people who show no interest in us or stay in relationships that seem to be an endless stream of disappointment, then become hurt when we feel rejected and used.  Do we stop and ask ourselves, “Why am I pursuing this person?”, “What are they looking for in a relationship?”, “Do I have the qualities they are looking for in a relationship?”, “What do I find attractive about this person?”. Of course we don’t, why?  Because just asking those questions is uncomfortable.

Next time we find ourselves in this place of wondering why we are not finding a desirable romantic relationship, think more about what we say we want, versus what we go after, what we bring to the relationship, versus what we ask of it, boundaries we set, versus behaviors we accept, qualities we desire, versus our actions toward others. Take time to reflect on those thoughts, you may find the ability to transform your attitude and approach to your relationships, and get a different outcome.

Communication: Intention Can Heal

Having conversations about past sexual experiences with a partner can be difficult.  Not knowing how someone may react to the situation, or the choice you made in the situation, can impact a person’s willingness to disclose these experiences.  Trauma around your sexuality has a direct result on your sexual activity, be it past or present.  Being mindful of the potential sexual trauma that you, your partner, or both of you, may have experienced, can give you both insight into each other’s behavior.  In attempting to provide support for your partner, creating an atmosphere of trust, acceptance, and understanding, can go a long way in helping them to get to a place where they can enjoy the sexual experience without feeling the fear of victimization.

One way to begin to create a healing environment for a sexual encounter, is to communicate your intentions to your partner.  If you aren't aware of the potential trauma, you or your partner, may be bringing to the table, you may possibly do something that can trigger an unintended reaction.  If you can be clear about what you want the person to feel, or what you want them to get out of the sexual experience, it gives them a deeper perspective and may allow them the space to let go of any anxiety they may have toward the experience.  By allowing your partner to communicate their intentions, you are giving them another way to voice their feelings and desires, while encouraging them to be mindful and deliberate during the experience.  In addition, when you know what your partner wants you to feel, it can open the door for further communication around past traumatic experiences you both may have encountered.

Self-Intimacy: Go Ahead... Touch It

How often do you masturbate?  No really, how often?  Do you do it at all?  For men, this may be a simple question and somewhat rhetorical, but for a number of women I work with, the act of self-love isn’t practiced often, if at all.  They seem to have similar issues around the topic, ranging from shame, to intimidation, to ignorance of where to start.  Masturbation is an important part of sexual health for those of us who are sexually active, and those of us who are not.  How can I articulate to my partner what feels good if I don’t know myself?  Masturbation is about mastering one’s own pleasure and being knowledgeable of one’s body.  In addition, masturbating can in turn make you more comfortable touching your partners body in ways that you may not have thought to before.

If the thought of masturbating is a little intense, start with a mental fantasy.  Think about how you would like your partner to touch you, and then, touch yourself in that same fashion.  Try to focus on the fantasy and the sensation you’re creating when you touch yourself.  The point of masturbation isn’t always orgasm, but rather a way to relax and enjoy our bodies. Not only does it feel good, it releases chemicals in the brain linked to stress relief, pain relief, and calmness.  In our busy and chaotic lives, couldn’t we all use pain and stress relief, along with pleasure, that we can have “on demand”?