Someone said to me, “You can’t have intimacy with someone you don’t know.” I told him that was not true and here’s why:
Intimacy has nothing to do with who you think the person is or isn’t, it has to do with the connection you share in the experience. People tend to think of intimacy as something that is exclusive to people in relationships or people who have a deep bond to one another, but it doesn’t have to be that black and white. Intimacy is born out of trust, and out of trust comes respect. When you trust yourself and the decision you made to share a sexual experience with someone, along with trusting that you and your partner will be fully present physically, mentally, and emotionally, you are in the beginning stages of building intimacy. When you and your partner agree to be intentional and authentic about a sexual experience, you then make room for respect to enter the experience as well. Feeling valued and valuing someone else isn’t attached to having deep knowledge of a person’s personality or history, so the ability to have respect for a “stranger” during a sexual experience is more than possible. If people were to simplify the concept of intimacy and look for ways to incorporate connecting with people into everyday life, it would be a lot easier to conceptualize it during sex.
Sometimes expectations and agendas cause us the greatest emotional and mental stress. When we’ve created the perfect outcome in our heads, if and when those things don’t happen in that perfectly planned way, we find ourselves feeling empty, angry, disappointed, and whole host of other unpleasant emotions. We often use sex as a tool to forward our personal agenda. Often times that agenda is never realized or the situation is made uncomfortable because we used the wrong tool. Sex can’t be enjoyed when we’re busy thinking if our plans are working, or if this is going to be the time when we decide to take it to the next level. Instead of being present in the moment and immersing ourselves in the experience, we’re planning our next steps. Sex shouldn’t be used to as a tool to solve problems or pursue agendas, but rather as an opportunity to enjoy intimacy and connection with our partners and ourselves.
At the base of reluctance is discomfort. By making your partner comfortable you can decrease the anxiety they may feel. Creating an environment of trust and relaxation can greatly improve your partner’s attitude toward a new experience. Have your lovers’ favorite sexy song playing, light candles, have relaxing and sensual aromas in the air, or anything you know that will help bring their guard down. Loving communication is another way to open your partner’s mind. By letting your partner know what your intentions are for the experience and allowing them the space to do the same, puts both of your minds in a place of trust and comfort.